Holding my thoughts inside: Marbels
by Clownfood
Summary: Fear. Somehow it's become an unfamiliar feeling. Who has Kadaj become?


AUTHORS NOTES

Alright, by now most of you have probably seen Advent Children. Much to my agony, I haven't. Due to the lack of an internet connection, I'll probably be the last one to se it. (As you're read this, I will have my internet back and watching AC for hours at end!) Anyhow, I figured it best to write the third (and last?) part of Holding my thoughts inside before I saw the movie, because then my view of the brothers might change.

A million thanks to all of you who wrote such nice reviews! I really appreciate it!

Now, please enjoy the end of the trilogy; Holding my thoughts inside; Marbells

* * *

Kadaj stood in the draughty window, the gloves on his hands unable to protect him from the cold of the frosty glass. His radiant eyes rested upon the white and black nothingness of the winter night. The first snow had just fallen over the dead, greyish ground. The calls of the starved Shadow Leapers had become fiercer, more desperate. Much like the silent cries from the earth, and the cries Kadaj allowed himself to let out when none of his brothers were within hearing range. This snow felt so unnatural, so surreal. He stood firm in the cold, watching, and his palm against the window. He was hiding, he realized. This odd feeling which had replaced the tugging sensation of urgency and irritation was fear. How long had it been since he'd felt anything but panic and fear? But the fear was different this time. Her calling voice had been replaced by the sound of Yazoo's ripping choughs. 

It was the worst attack in years. Loz had smashed all the furniture in the house to light a fire, which had been kept burning for three nights now. Yazoo was tucked in right by it. Every spare piece of clothing, every drape, every blanket had been sacrificed and stacked beneath, on top and around Yazoo's shivering body. Still, it wasn't enough. For every passing night, Yazoo got worse. The cramp would not leave him in peace other then a brief half an hour or so. Loz was constantly at Yazoo's side; Kadaj was hiding from the both of them. Yet he kept close, close enough to listen.

That cough was the reason Kadaj was alive. Had Yazoo not been ill, not been somewhat a failure, Kadaj would never have been created. The professors had such high hopes for Yazoo. Therefore they hade done too many changes. Their ambitions had been too high. His body not able to coupe, Yazoos lungs did not work properly. He was sickly. Dying. Constantly dying.

But he'd seemed so much better. So much stronger. But now his lungs caved in on him. The strain from travelling and fighting proving too much. And it was all Kadajs fault. He'd pushed them. He'd persuaded them. He'd yelled at them and hurt them until his brothers no longer dared question him. They hated him now. They must hate him.

Kadaj focused on his own blurred reflection. He didn't know that face any more. Whoever he used to be was long gone. He couldn't find himself among all the voices and memories which wasn't his. He'd been leading his brothers on, hoping he could make it all better. The world, his brother, himself. Mother would make it all of it better. But he wasn't so sure any more.

The coughing stopped. Kadajs stomach tightened as he listened for something. Anything. A new cough. Breathing. Or Loz scream of grief.

Fear. He somewhat enjoyed it. At least it was a feeling the could recognize.

There. A small chough. Some whispered words. He lived. The unfamiliar sound of a body rising from the floor. Steps.

Kadaj turned to meet Loz as his older brother walked out into the corridor. Kadaj had expected to be ignored, knowing Loz was afraid of him. Thinking Loz was going to get some water, Kadaj turned back to the window. But instead of advancing to the kitchen, Loz stopped behind Kadaj. One hand reached out and gently touched Kadajs shoulder. Not letting go and moving closer, Loz arm slid around his younger brothers thin shoulders, hugging him from behind.

Kadaj felt tears streaming up into his eyes, wondering why. How long had it been since either one of his brothers had shown him affection? Touched him? Looked at him?

"He's asking for you" Loz said gently.

"I can't" came Kadajs silent answer.

"He wants to see you"

"I can't"

Loz hugged him tighter, pressing Kadajs back to his chest.

"What if he dies?" he whispered, the thickness in his voice making the words almost unrecognizable.

"Then it will be my fault!" Kadaj exclaimed, crying, covering his face.

Without letting go of his youngest brother, Loz turned him around and gently, with one hand, he removed Kadajs hands from his face. Looking into his little brothers tear-struck eyes he said;

"Nobody blames you Kadaj. You're doing what is right. We just miss you, that's all"

Kadaj buried his face in his brothers chest, sobbing. Loz held him, stroking his hair while the tears streamed down his face as well.

"I miss me to" Kadaj said.

"It'll all be all right" Loz comforted, drying his eyes "Let's go inside. Our brother needs us"

Together they went back inside, Kadaj's grip on his brothers arm never loosening.

* * *

Yazoo didn't die. And the very next day, the three brothers left for Midgar, doing what they thought was right.

* * *

There you have it.Sorry for beeing such a short story.All three brothers now portrayed, I think it's time to end this fiction and just enjoy the movie! Reviews are of cause welcome! 


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